the night falls
with
a double life grip
the sun lands
the trees break
and topple
the creatures howl
the man prays
to his god
for his life
for their sake
for his sin
for the cunt
the fish settle
a book burns
blue
orange
red
purple
black
the chipsets run processes
faster than we can draw images
of her nude and fucking
in our minds
glass clinks
shatters
drunk til noon
yellowed
teeth
but i sit here in the room
when i shit it’s as brown as the carpet
i wonder what we do
the billions of us all at once
and how many of us lay in the streets
drinking our meals
surrounded in concrete
the smell of sewage
a life free of dreams
no television
no fashion
no cell phones
no computers
just
the most incredible
elaborate
detailed
and wide eyed
stories.
forever spoken
and only heard.
Matt Sven Calvert
“mistakes..”
this is a place where it won’t ever
hurt again
stuck
in a maze
in a belly
did we step into a place god can’t see?
i waited for you
but you never came
through every night, in every dream
the siren is seen reflecting from the sun
but the sun is muted by your ghost face
light is given no form throught
heat freezes in midair
and pierces through my spine
“..take..”
for so long i fought the urges
three bells are laid upon
the cup tilts and spills it’s knowledge
it’s power
“do not forsake me,” he said.
i promised myself death when i agreed.
paralzyed floor tiles
mark the spot
seven sins
seven embraces
seven smiles
dark drapes echo with her chants
the begging
pleading
witnessing
a twinkled glimpse of her eyes
in a moment forever sustained
while i struggle to raise from
bended knees
broken will
burial ground
“..the rest of your beautiful days.”
never can i have the chance to say,
you can have me
just leave my skin behind
if you have no need for it
my eyes are your playthings
tear flesh from frozen bone
you always admired my hands, yeah?
so take them
they’re yours
just leave her be.
we know what you want.
we know what you are.
look at the candles on the cake
ritual,
circle and drum
step inside
“you truly deserve
what you have.”
wash the memory away
forget
for ever
i don’t live.
i don’t die.
i don’t march through blood soaked
fields
i don’t run while the mortars
rip
the ground apart
all around me.
i snort.
i drink.
i smoke.
i laugh.
i vomit.
i bleed from the mouth
like an
infant
begging, swirling whirlpools of pavement
stained crimson on
the white lines
driving to your house with thoughts of
enjoying a smoke and maybe
playing a little grab ass
but instead
i am parked on the side of the road
i am 24 and
going to die
i’m not a
soldier
i’m a
drunk
addict
puking his life away
fueling the highway
with
blood.
the soul floats like smoke out
from the heart
all around me.
no guts for a
bullet
only a
bottle.
it was only six days ago i felt you smile
heard your fingers spell the words.saw you say,
you forced me to stay in love with your memory
like the soda machine at the fire station
“if you walk upside down on a cloud,” she said.
“you could look right over the edge and talk to god.”
saw you say,
move your heart to stay up there with those clouds
floating high above our sleeping bodies
our cotton candy corpses, close to him
“Your MELD score is still low. You’re doing well.”
outside of your house there’s a floating brass frame
holding everything you claimed to be true
holding everything you built yourself
and you said,
look across from the death bed.
turn your head away
my hands are cracking open
you don’t want to see, do you?
the truth is the only thing that’s ever scared me was a song
your voice
inside a church
midnight choirs
“let me feel your hearts,” she asked.
dual beating system incomplete
beeping, chirping like a bird
lepers in florida have aqua tinted lungs
but
in California
there’s a white sun out there
i’m desperate to hold it
feel it
know it
be defeated by it.
turn me into the ashtray of a million cigarettes
smother me with poison and smoke
burn me alive for this
“You have time.”
dry and crack my blood
wait for the organs to harden
and rip them from beneath my fried flesh
snap my bones like twigs and inspect the blackened marrow
my hardened liver
covered with lacerations and scars
crush it.
but my heart.
freeze it. feed off it. break it into little pieces.
plant it.
let it replicate, regrow into red blood plants and trees
twist and curl for a million years and it will
overtake the highways
the skyscrapers
the crops
the earth
it was my death day.
so i saw you say, “it’s the 27th. welcome to the club.”
happy birthday, love.
Matt Sven Calvert
chest convulses
white sheets flap up
then downward onto the pristine mattress
a bleary never-ending plain
i leave my mark with an elementary grin
i said, “did i take any drugs?”
but no.
i’m gagging
chest convulses
almost like i’m regurgitating
like i’m a giant fucking bird in a nest made of
tracers and multi-colored pipe cleaners
i feel it push up my stomach
into my esophagus
up into my throat
trigger the sinus
into the mouth,
pull it out with the fingers..
it’s a piece of flesh
divine human skin
creases embedded forever
it looks exactly like the palm of a hand
and that’s just what it is
recoil
retrigger
the eyes dart back and forth in the mirror
this is really happening
i ask you again, about the drugs did i take something?
i know i didn’t but
and now more skin
pulling them out of my mouth piece by piece
i stack them upon each other on the sink countertop
a mass of dark hair matted and attached to the next piece
it keeps coming
and now small flakes of bone
an obvious smooth piece of skull
i stare into the mirror
am i a zombie? no.
i’m talking, i’m in shock
i’m human
i look next to me and say “what the fuck, man”
and you just say “i know, i know”
over
and
over
i want it to stop
did i eat someone’s fucking head?
i feel so sick
i look so pale
a butterfly lands on the mirror
and then a hundred more are all around me
and you thought you had time
but it’s running out
i’m running out
it’ll all be sooner than you think
but i wake up to the white bedsheets
stretched over the cool mattress
it’s pitch black and no one is next to me
it’s six AM
too early to talk
too early to feel
too early to hope
and still you say there’s plenty of time
Matt Sven Calvert
cycle
inside
i burn
my guts
twist and turn
drown your face away
make it real
as i fade
as i bleed
as my back bends
you grow
you’re tall
you’re strong
you point to the ground
the life of hell
forms from your fingers
one of two ways
alive and dead
awake but asleep
standing while sitting
drowning in lava
do not live on the earth
i need to die
i will live
cycle
constant
distraction
after
distraction
over and over and over and
fuck.
I can lean against the paintings
bottle in
hand
let my face lean in
and
slide
down
down
the very walls i stare through
the very walls i want to
tear
rip
eat
my fingernails bend backwards and crack with
smooth easiness
i dig in and
pull, baby
pull the shit out
and
stuff it in the mouth
like a perfect nipple
like a dripping skinned peach
chew on the drywall
let the tongue try
to work
the chalky bits out of my
bleeding gums
wash it down with the bourbon.
slow nosebleeds ooze
it’s not even fucking
noon
yet
someone, something
is waiting for me
to pass
like a glimpse
of a beautiful woman
walking past your room
in the hallway
killing all of it
killing all of me
invading. smelling your underwear. unlocking your bedroom window.
but who?
you walk down sad and lonely streets
waiting
for some one
or some thing
a pizza parlor means nothing
until you see
a red rectangle
standing up right
peeking
around the corner
of the brick building
at
you
but you are not that sad and lonely
so you run
as any one would
but you realize
nearly everything
in some way or another
is a rectangle
and you are devoured by them
since there is no escaping this earth
you float into
the red
rectangle
and it
absorbs your soul
but you remember
circles and triangles
the rectangle shatters like the softest pink grass
and you are free and you win
